Robin Hawke

Wednesday’s Voice
September 28, 2011, 3:41 PM
Filed under: All Writing Challenges | Tags:

Men notice her. She gets a big smile with her seat directions. He doesn’t look to someone like me, right behind her.

“No, no, no,” Brianna’s loud. “Can’t this move?” Here we go—our drama queen about to go off. The girl’s a natural actress; she’s louder than the screaming baby. I seen our bags get put overhead and what was there before are pushed on the steward. I hang back even if I’m appreciative of her, she’s something to be reckoned with.

We sit. I know she’s hanging fearful on every word that comes out the loudspeaker. I hold my girl’s hand. She was at fright, didn’t notice who walking by. I squeeze back. She needs to get a grip of herself. Ali is my daddy—here we go.

Voice Week 2011

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15 Comments so far
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Hum…this piece really throws me a little. A young mans voice, I’m thinking The pilot’s son, perhaps??? The boyfriend of a young woman who is afraid of flying?? WOW! 🙂

Comment by Janece

I’d love to know what throws you…especially since it’s not the pilot’s son.

I’d say more about the character, but I’m interested in what other people get…so I’ll wait until there are more comments. Thanks for the response, Robin

Comment by robinhawke

An entertainer and her assistant/friend. It’s the shy one’s voice. African American. Strong support for others, but used to being pigeonholed as subservient. Respectful.
Wow, could probably try pull out a couple more, but may be completely off track! (Don’t think so though).
Fantastic writing.

Comment by scribbla

Right on track with everything. Thanks for the feedback, Robin

Comment by robinhawke

I’m miffed…this certainly has got me thinking when I should be sleeping! Is Ali the pilot? I too think they are possibly entertainers -I initially thought theatre/drama class students. They’re either a couple or he is the manager (or sty to that effect). Now I think I’m waaaay off track! Great piece.

Comment by yikici

It looks like I overreached myself with the last line.

I was trying to translate “Give me strength” into this voice.

Thought of Muhammad Ali, but she wouldn’t say the whole name, Muhammad brought with it a lot of religious connotations, but may have worked better. Would be interested in thoughts.

Thanks for the feedback, helped me pinpoint a problem.

Comment by robinhawke

This voice sounds prudent, someone who tries to understand whom she’s dealing with before jumping in. She seems to have the stewardess and Brianna pegged. As reserved as she is, though, it’s interesting that she’s the strong one. She gives support to other people, even people more forward than she is.

Comment by writingsprint

Even when one friend gets all the attention, the other has something to offer!

Thanks, Robin

Comment by robinhawke

[…] Read the rest: Wednesday’s Voice « Robin Hawke. […]

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Interesting. Nice use of phrasing like “I seen” and “hanging fearful.”
I wouldn’t say they’re entertainers. He just feels like the boyfriend or husband of a pretty girl. Not well-educated, but smart and caring. Religious? Is Ali an alternate spelling for “Allah,” and it’s a sort of prayer?

Very unique voice. Nice work.

Comment by bekindrewrite

See comment in reply to yikici re last line.

It’s a she, a girlfriend. The clue is in the line, “He doesn’t look to someone like me, right behind her.”

I realized a mistake–my audience became the people participating in this week instead of the larger audience. Because of that, I may have truncated some storytelling.

I don’t know if Brianna is an actress, a model, a singer or dancer–but she is someone who likes attention and would gravitate to an occupation which would give it to her.

Comment by robinhawke

Sounds to me like the less attractive friend of “the pretty girl” who is used to getting everything she wants? Maybe? the language and sentence structure confuses me some. Interesting and mysterious nonetheless.

Comment by Craig Towsley

You’re right about the less pretty friend!

I stand by the syntax… It’s a short piece, so I may have hit structural differences hard, but when I went back to see if I could soften it, there wasn’t anything I wanted to lose.

Thanks for the reply, Robin

Comment by robinhawke

I appreciate all the help. It was a tough write, never done anything like it. It’s in the reaching that we learn. Robin

Comment by robinhawke

Great job! I was wondering who Ali was, but other than that things were pretty clear.

Comment by R.L.W.

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