Robin Hawke


What’s up?
January 27, 2012, 2:35 PM
Filed under: All Writing Challenges | Tags: , , ,

What’s up?

The sky. That’s a silly joke, get it?

My mom tells me I’m unique. Different than Jerry. He’s my exact twin brother. I don’t know if that’s a joke. I don’t see it. We are both left-handed. We look alike but I’ve something more—a special mole on my nostril. Mom says an angel forgot to wipe off his kiss. And then she kisses me on the same spot and tries to wipe it away.

Today I told her. This time she made me sad. I don’t want to be a dishwasher. I want to be a conductor. Like Jerry does.

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20 Comments so far
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Not sure if I should have found two words to delete and added, at the very end, “Like Jerry.” Tell me what you think, Robin

Comment by Robin Hawke

I’d like the “Like Jerry” at the end. It would add a sub-story to the main tale. Great job!

Here’s mine for the day: http://kbnelson.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/friday-flash-drip/

Comment by kbnelson

Love it! Not sure of the the phrase “different than” though. It sounds wrong for some reason.

Comment by alltimescout

Went shooting over to the thesaurus. Didn’t find a substitute, but I’m thinking on it. Thanks!

Comment by Robin Hawke

In England we’d say “different from” but I thought “different than” worked for American-English.

I liked your story, and the twin struggling to be unique. If you wanted to put “like Jerry” at the end, do it, but I don’t think it needs it. Also, that would confuse me – is the narrator the boy? If so, how is his twin always a conductor?

Comment by elmowrites

Maybe that’s why it sounded wrong to me! we follow british English in our country!

Comment by alltimescout

It should be “different from” in this instance. “Different than” is really American-English slang but really only acceptable as an elliptical such as “The temperature is different than Maine.” Which is an elliptical way of saying, “The temperature is different than the way it was in Maine.”

Comment by Quill Shiv

Note: Read Quill’s second comment farther down.

Comment by Robin Hawke

You are right…it would have to be: Like Jerry does.

Comment by Robin Hawke

You really immersed the reader in the child POV and did a good job of developing the mother/child relationship in a very small space. Good story!
Here’s mine: http://bridgesareforburning.wordpress.com/

Comment by bridgesareforburning

The way you establish voice here is incredible. I think I would also vote for adding “Like Jerry” at the end. It would help tie it up so neatly — although it’s also very effective as is.

Here’s mine for this week: http://thecolorlime.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/time-pause-play-rewind-101/

Comment by The Lime

I’m with elmo on the confusion of age vs conductor But other than that, this piece if really good. Tone, voice, pace, excellent.

Comment by Craig Towsley

I think it works the way it is.

Here’s mine:
http://wp.me/p1Tjpv-8I

Comment by writingbothsides

Ah Robin,

Your story is full of the quiet heartache of children growing up still feeling strange in their own skins. Loved it.

Aloha,

Doug

http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/pastoral/#comments

Comment by dmmacilroy

I really like the interaction between the child and the mom. Good dialogue, and I like the last line, too.

Comment by Jan Morrill

There’s no sense entering these challenges if we can’t grow and change. So I’ve changed the last lines and over run the 100 words. Thanks everyone!

Comment by Robin Hawke

Dang Jerry! I get the competitive nature between them and wonder about their age… great thought process!

http://susielindau.com/2012/01/27/just-another-day-100-word-flash-fiction/

You are welcome to post your link on my blog as well!

Comment by susielindau

I have this feeling we were reading each other’s post at the same time!

Comment by Robin Hawke

May be Jerry wants your job! Grass is green on the other side 🙂 I like your unique take on it.

Comment by Yatin

I really enjoy that the narrator has his own ‘voice.’ This is hard for a lot of people, but his speech/thought the whole way through is consistent. I’d keep the “different than” in there as it is part of HIS vernacular. Sometimes perfect grammar can spoil a character.

Excellent job.

The link to my drabble is here: http://quillshiv.wordpress.com/2012/01/26/grounds/

Comment by Quill Shiv




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